Don't you send me to vm
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
