when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
