So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
