Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
