All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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