I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
