my phone cant type all the emotion im having
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
