I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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