You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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