I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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