I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
