i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
