We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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