Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
