I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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