please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
