I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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