everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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