I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
