The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
