My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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