shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
