Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
