i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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