The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
