I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i black out too much to be "responsible"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
