I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
