so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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