I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
