I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
