I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
