Your mouth is God's brothel.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
