Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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