Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
3pm strippers are depressing
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
