So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think I just shit out all my problems.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
