They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
