Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
