I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
