There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
