it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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