If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
