Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
