Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I want to be your penis for a week.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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