he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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