3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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