o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
