i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
