no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
