It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Randomize
