we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
